04 August 2011

The Tears Dry, Though.

What Sucks Is That I'm Leaving The Same Legacy For MY Progeny.

It hurts when, being the oldest son in the family, your dad-- father, I mean [difference there; ask me some other time] never calls to see "howzit, kid?"

Not once in 7 months of his grand-daughters' birth have I been on the receiving end of a call, social, familial or otherwise.

I think, in the same 7 months, I heard from my half-brother... let's see... Once? On facebook? mafia wars request? I think so, yah...

And my sister-- she messaged me to tell me to call my dad. On father's day-- or my father on dad's ... what the fuck ever.

Yeah. I was at Wisteria. No phone signal. Notice I didn't miss any messages from my whelp, either.

And my ... and Flower. I don't visit 'blog' anymore; I don't read the words that 'supposedly' won me.

Eighteen months later, and don't want to write on blogger, because I don't want those who know me online-- those who I might still convince I am capable of, against all odds, succeeding-- I can't journal my failures to be a real man here daily. I can't take the shame. Sorry...

No, baby momma. No, father. No, sis.

I don't like me. I don't show me.

Slainte.

34 comments:

Kyddryn said...

I would comment, but would it matter?

SHade and Sweetwater,
K

Momlady said...

You ARE loved.

Craig Cavanaugh said...

Cygnus, we all make mistakes. We all succumb to weakness or temptation at some point in our lives, failing ourselves and others. But shutting down and shutting out is not the answer my friend. No, you need to pick yourself up, dust off, and right the wrong. You may not like yourself now, but K and Momlady obviously care for you. Don't bow down to defeat! Shame? The only real shame in life is when a man allows himself to be broken. I don't pretend to know your life's history, but I do know a few bits that you've written about, and I know you've had a rough go of it. But you are not a failure, Cygnus. You helped bring a beautiful child into the world. You have people who love you. Don't give up on them. Most of all, don't give up on yourself. Slainte, my friend, in the truest meaning of the word.

Shafikul Islam said...

Lovely blog & post!!

Ancestral Celt said...

Cygnus:

Please don't let other people bring you down, there is a song, "No matter what you do; no matter what you say; we're the song that's outta tune; with beautiful mistakes". We all have to make mistakes, without them we would not learn, nor appreciate the beauty of life and living it.

No matter what you may think of yourself, there are those that care; those that appreciate you. It's just we sometimes forget that may not always be our own family.

Try to stay strong, and appreciate all that you are.

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laughingwolf said...

well shit, mac... i finally got close to my old man [father] and he up and died...

moved from nova scotia to the niagara area, early july, after uprooting myself from bc to go parent my 3 kids after ex took major stroke [remains unable to speak, paralyzed on right side] for nearly 15 years... got one call, younger daughter... birthday coming up, will see if i get a call, or even a card...

at least my pup loves me....

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aravind said...

Hi there! Just happened to visit your blog and felt sad for you. You have to learn to love yourself, my friend. You dont need validations from anybody. Build your confidence. Go and get a book and learn how to do it. Dont worry. Just shower love to all those dear to you and dont expect fulfillment only if they reciprocate. Be a man!

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